My most esteemed Ms. Snow,
This conciliatory missive may take you by surprise. I could well have responded to your re-re-rebuttal in kind, with a counter-re-re-re-rebuttal of my own, and risked further depleting the already taxed natural reserves of “re” prefixes in existence, forcing the U.S. government to drill for additional reserves of “re” in the frozen Alaskan tundra. I could have further engaged in a vicious game of one-upmanship and tit-for-tat…and what is “tat”, anyway? And why is it always exchanged for tits? Since when is “tat” something whose market value is equivalent to that of a tit?
No, I will not be presenting a rebuttal. Rather, I wish to offer you a truce. Nay, more than a truce—a true gesture of reconciliation. I propose that we join forces and write an erotic novel together, jointly.
Why, you may ask, am I extending this olive branch of peace? Where do I find the nobility of character and the inner peace needed to do so? Whence do I derive the immense soundness of mind, of soul, and of member, you may ask? I’m glad you asked that, Ms. Snow.
The other day, I sat down to re-watch one of my favorite art films, “Ernest Scared Stupid”. There is a singularly inspiring moment in the film, a turning point in the plot. [Spoiler alert, for those who haven’t seen this masterpiece by director John R. Cherry.] The hero of the tale, brave young Kenny, has just discovered the key to defeating the evil troll that has been terrorizing the community of Briarville, MO. After the troll makes an appearance at the Halloween festival, the town bully approaches Kenny. But is he about to harass Kenny once again? Oh no, Dear Reader—the bully has come to offer a truce! He has asked Kenny to join forces with him against the ancient troll Trantor!
This is always the most beautiful moment in any film or novel: the scene when former rivals join forces against a greater evil. It takes a big man to stand up against his adversary—but it takes a bigger man to swallow his pride and propose a partnership with them. And I am that bigger man.
So how about it, Ms. Snow? Shall we come together and create a co-authored erotic masterpiece?
In our case, we would be joining forces against an evil more sinister than the troll from “Ernest Scared Stupid”, more foul than the cynical movie producer in “Ernest Saves Christmas”, more menacing than the stern counselor Ross Stenis in “Ernest Goes to Camp”. Our common enemy is the shortage of erotic literature in the world. And the only way for us to combat this tragic fact is by writing more erotic literature.
In order to get the ball rolling on this collaborative project, I am presenting you some initial ideas of novels we could write together. I will look forward to receiving your notes on them.
Idea #1: “Tumblebush”
I am presenting the most spicy, controversial storyline first—I hope that, in doing so, I can lay to rest your claims that I am some sort of “prude”. I assume this judgment is based on my past involvement with the “Colorado Society for Zoological Decency”, as we campaigned to legally change the name of the peacock and the titmouse. However, you must take into consideration my wildly successful career as an erotic novelist—in addition to the fact that I have had intimate relations not one, not two, not four, but three times in my life!
The plot of “Tumblebush” is deliciously naughty in its subject matter. The heroine lives in an Old West town, and begins a romance with the gun-slinging comptroller of the hamlet. Here’s the kinky plot twist, though—they have been engaging in premarital sex! The heroine’s parents don’t approve, and society finds it twisted and immoral, but they don’t care. They are wrapped up in the throes of passion.
In order to really cement this book’s position as “controversial erotica”, I suggest that we feature several scenes which suggest that heavy petting occurs between the two young (unmarried) lovers.
Idea #2: “Protecting Temptation”
Plenty of people have written romance novels. Plenty of people have written stories about vampires. But guess what nobody has thought to do, yet? Write a romantic story involving vampires! This is a market that you and I need to corner, Ms. Snow, before anybody else takes advantage of it.
Here’s the singularly original part of it: in our novel tale, a vampire falls in love with a human. This sparks a forbidden romance that crosses the boundaries of their two worlds. Both humans and vampires are outraged by this inter-species relationship; in describing the controversy, Protecting Temptation will make a commentary on race relations and prejudice in today’s world, holding up a prophetic mirror to our real-life society.
Of course, we won’t have any scenes with a white vampire falling in love with a black human, or vice versa, or anything. We don’t want to push the envelope too much.
Idea #3: “Reluctant Robot”
This book will be set in the distant future (like the year 2020 or so) when humans are living in outer space and robots have finally been granted civil rights.
The heroine is a buxom young robot named “T-801” who is engaged to marry the man who invents the world’s first time machine. The plot takes an unexpected turn, however, when the heroine tests the time machine and travels back to the year 1968. She meets her own grandfather, who is a strapping young man at the time, and has just gotten back from the battlefields of World War II. After a night of reckless drinking and disco dancing, the two make love, just before T-801 returns to the future. Only then does she realize what she has done—she has become her own grandmother! Her one-night stand with her grandfather resulted in a pregnancy, and the child born in the past was T-801’s mother, who then gave birth to her. And it turns out, she is not a robot after all—she is a human who has just endangered the space-time continuum!
This novel will combine elements of the three motifs that have consistently occurred in all great novels throughout history: romance, plot twists, and cyborgs.
Idea #4: “Remember the Titans”
This movie will follow the events of the recent films “Clash of the Titans” and “Wrath of the Titans”, written as a third sequel in the series. Our novel, “Remember the Titans”, will be an erotic tale set in ancient Greece—land of mythological beasts, sublime poets, profound philosophers, and naked wrestling.
While I was doing some research for this book, I discovered that there is a 2000 film starring Denzel Washington which has the exact same title. I suggest that we lift most of the storyline from this film; it will save us time. We can just splice in some sensual love scenes, and maybe have a scene where the white guy comes out onto the football field and Liam Neeson shouts, “Release the cracker!”
Idea #5: “Everyone Copulates” (children’s literature)
This book may be the most important erotic novel in our entire repertoire, Ms. Snow.
With reading comprehension at an all-time low, there will be many people who will have trouble following the plot developments of a full-length chapter book, no matter how watered down it may be. I suggest we write a child-friendly book as well, mimicking the format of the famed children’s book, “Everyone Poops”. Presented as a “baby’s first erotica” type story, the basic thesis of the book will be that, indeed, everyone copulates—elephants, squirrels, llamas, dikdiks, and other animals. This book will be written with a simplistic presentation that even young children can understand.
[NOTE: I suggest that we not mention the invertebrate animals which reproduce asexually and do not, in fact, copulate. It might weaken the point we are trying to make.]
So how about it, Ms. Snow? We could really take the literary world by storm. Between your knowledge of erotic literature and my knowledge of phrenology, we would be unstoppable. The world has suffered long enough with the sub-standard excuses for “literature” written by Dostoevsky, García Márquez, Twain, Bukowsky, and the like. As the Christmas carol says, “Long lay the world, in sin and error pining”, waiting for one of our collaborative creations.
The world can wait no longer.
* * * *
David J. Schmidt is an author and wildly successful hypochondriac living in San Diego, California. His romantic novels have been described by literary critics as “‘The Notebook’ meets ‘Cannibal Holocaust’”.
Schmidt was the treasurer and president of the California Cooper’s Guild for seven consecutive years, piloting cutting edge developments in barrel-making technology. He was ejected from the C.C.G. in 2010 after surveillance footage revealed that he had been posing as a cooper the entire time, and his barrels were in fact clever forgeries.
Schmidt holds a Ph.D. in Medical Bloodletting, and has led the research in cutting-edge leech technology. He was granted the “Franz Josef Gall Award” for scientific development, and was preparing to accept a fellowship at Johns Hopkins University in 2011, when his physician informed him that he suffers from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Schmidt left San Diego for an extended sabbatical in Micronesia as a result; towards the end of his vacation, he spent an entire month living on the back of a bald man’s head, in loving memory of Lord Voldemort.
In one of his most recent creative endeavors, Schmidt has been directing a movie based on the life of Helen Keller, starring Ron Jeremy.
Reader’s Entertainment would like to thank both Anna Snow and David J. Schmidt for their opinions on the subject of erotica writing.