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This week we asked our good friends from Facebook what questions they’d like to ask about zombies. Then we got our most famous zombie doctor to join us in answering those questions!
Dr. Seymore Green
Inventor of the Flesh Patch
Dr. Green answers questions from the living.
Keith: How does a zombie compete in today’s job market?
Dr. Green: Well, Keith, it’s really a matter of economics. Zombies fall into a special category that allows employers to pay them less than minimum wage. Undesirable jobs once done only by illegal immigrants and NASCAR fans are now in high demand with zombies taking over 50% of those jobs now. Zombies are willing to underbid anyone and the government has that 10% zombie tax which helps stimulate the economy. It’s a win-win for everyone.
Kiki: What does a zombie dress up as to go Trick or Treating?
Dr. Green: IRS auditors.
Lisa: How does a Zombie behave when “meeting the parents?”
Dr. Green: First of all we have a mantra that we practice beforehand. “Meet the parents, don’t eat the parents!” This is very helpful especially for the newly dead.
It’s best to determine if the parents are also zombies. If they are, I recommend bringing a little gift. Maybe a little Tabby cat? They’re good this time of year.
If they are not zombies we recommend sending a picture of yourself first. It keeps the screaming down to a minimum, which is nice.
Rose: How does zombie find a mate?
Dr. Green: Many zombies use DatingDead.com which is quite popular with the younger crowd. My understanding is that the site will be open to the living at the end of this month. Yes, there are living/dead relationships and they are frowned upon by both sides. But, stopping love is as hard as turning down fresh cat brain at the end of your Flesh Patch cycle.
I do recommend finding someone at your same “Rot Level”. I know some zombies go for someone way outside their league. They’re at a rot level of 8 and the person they want to date is at a rot level of 3. Those seldom work out.
John: How does a zombie move on from a broken heart? Can they pick up the pieces?
Dr. Green: Zombies were people too. They have feelings, so they do get their hearts broken from time to time. Primarily zombies move on…slowly, as zombies do most everything. As long as they don’t threaten to “eat your heart out” I wouldn’t worry too much. But be aware that zombies are vindictive creatures. “Picking up the pieces” takes on a whole new meaning when you talk about zombie break-ups.
Jeannie: How do zombies compete with others to be on reality shows like Survivor?
Dr. Green: People aren’t really aware of this, but zombies are quite competitive. And the living seem very curious about how zombies react when they lose a game, get voted off the island or are physically pushed to their limits. So producers tend to look for a zombie to put into the mix. Higher ratings and all. And should there be an “accident” like there was last year, well we all know how many Emmy’s that show won.
Liz: How do zombies get pedicures?
Dr. Green: Liz, zombies have nightmares about pedicures. You have to realize that zombie flesh doesn’t regenerate like living flesh does. And toes are so easy to break not to mention toenails that won’t grow back.
Rob: How does a zombie….have sex?
Dr. Green: The old fashioned way for the most part. But “safe sex” means something different for us zombies. Parts can, well, get worn down or fall off at inopportune moments.
Kim: How does a zombie become a celebrity icon?
Dr. Green: Zombie celebrities fall into two categories;
a) Pre-established celebrity. Those are like Elvis and Stalker who were celebrities when they died.
b) New celebrity zombies are famous within the zombie community and some even cross over to be famous in the living community as well. This is much harder to do as you can imagine. But, with shows like The Zombie Today Show taking off, celebrating zombie celebrity and accomplishment I’m sure we will see an increase in zombie celebrities in the future.
Well, that and because everyone dies eventually, including celebrities. Myself, I’m hoping Brittney is one of the lucky 50% when she goes. Oh! Or Kevin Costner! He’d look good with a little rot on his bones.
Domini: How does a zombie take care of his teeth? Do they go to the dentist regularly?????
Dr. Green: Zombies are pretty self reliant and do most dental care at home. They use Crust toothpaste which cleans and cements, or super glue. Bad breath is a major concern since nobody want to kiss rot-mouth, so you find them popping breath mints a lot. Not many zombies chew gum since that could lead to embarrassing fallout.
Linda: How does a zombie meet singles in a caveman world?
Dr. Green: Well Linda, I’ve already mentioned DatingDead.com, but I’m glad you brought up that whole “caveman world” thing. Though some of us…er…I mean, some people like that whole caveman persona it is not always popular with the more “PC” zombiettes. But, it is a dog eat dog world (or zombie eat dog world if you will) and there seems to be more male zombies than female zombies so the men have to really step up their game to get a good catch.
I see some guys using Decayballine, the new zombie make up, or doing really sneaking things like leaving their Diagra out in the open on their desk or in their car. All is fair in love and war when it comes to zombie love!
We want to thank Dr. Green for stopping by and encourage you to find out more about him on November 27th on The Zombie Today Show!