There are very few moments of true sadness in the life of a famed erotic novelist such as myself. (My wildly successful book, Pirates of the Danube, is now available on Amazon.com, on Kindle, and in “Braille for the deaf” format.) An author’s quotidian existence is so fully occupied with book signing tours, celebrity cameos, answering fan mail, and making appearances on Pat Robertson’s “The 700 Club”, one scarcely has the time to grow morose.
My consistent pattern of elation and jubilance was interrupted the other day, however, when I turned on my computer unit. I had just booted my PC, inserted a floppy disk, and was preparing to play a rousing game of “Oregon Trail”, when I decided to peruse the Internet for a spell. Imagine my dismay, Dear Reader, when I checked up on an essay I had previously written for Reader’s Entertainment…only to find that a vicious rebuttal had been launched against me! I was overcome with a mixture of feelings: surprise, anguish, indignation, and indigestion.
My sense of shock was augmented when I discovered that the rebuttal had been written by none other than a colleague and fellow erotic novelist, Anna Snow. (The merciless and calumnious essay can be found here: https://www.readersentertainment.com/blog/2013/anna-snow-offers-a-rebuttal-to-david-j-schmidts-love-in-the-21st-century/). Now don’t get me wrong, I am always willing to accept peer reviews of my literary opus. As the Book of Proverbs says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens the character of another”. (Prov. 27:17)
However, I must take issue with several of the accusations written in Ms. Snow’s rebuttal. I feel I must present the following re-rebuttal, in the interest of neutralizing their potentially negative effects on my pristine reputation as a novelist, an erotitician, and a coxswain. What follows is a series of corrections of some of the most blatant falsehoods.
Firstly and foremostly, I resent the accusation that I “do not know what I am talking about”, quoted here:
“I opened a website and discovered a guest blog post discussing the ramifications of erotic romance on today’s society by a man who had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.”
I am far from an ignorant, unlettered country swain, Ms. Snow. I will have you know, I hold a Masters of Divinity in Applied Eugenics from the Queen’s University of New Caledonia, and am currently the acting chair of the Phrenology Department of Point Loma Nazarene University. I have been a licensed phrenologist for the past twelve years, and have received stellar reviews from my peers and colleagues. These are hardly the credentials of a person who “has absolutely no idea what he is talking about”!
Secondly and secondofmostly, I must object to the claim that I am a “prude”:
“For a man who’s picture depicts him with long hair holding a beer, Mr. Schmidt seems to be a bit of a prude.”
In fact, I have long supported such liberal and controversial causes as two-piece bathing suits, latex contraception, and female motorists. While it is true that I have occupied a leadership role on the Concerned Citizen’s Council for the Eradication of Nocturnal Emissions, I can hardly see how this would make me a “prude”.
Thirdly and thirdmostly, I wish to present a recontrabuttal against the accusation that I am “unfamiliar with the conduct of a gentleman”:
“Obviously Mr. Schmidt isn’t familiar with gentlemanly behavior.”
I have been on a total of four dates in the course of my life, and am proud to say that I behaved in a singularly cordial fashion on each occasion. As I held the door for my date, invited her to a sumptuous four-course dinner of the Colonel’s Extra Crispy Popcorn Chicken, poured her a champagne flute of Bacardi Breezer, and treated her to a viewing of the art film Kangaroo Jack, I was the very incarnation of chivalry and courtliness. Still believe I don’t know how a gentleman behaves? Just ask the women for whom I singlehandedly paid the bus fare home at 11:30pm on the San Diego Public Transit System!
Fourthitavely, the allegation that I am intolerant of those who worship the deity “F***”, as an alternative to the Judeo-Christian God, is blatantly false.
“I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out that not everyone who writes or reads feels comfortable saying “Thank God” every time we want to make [sic] praise. Some people don’t believe in God, and others don’t feel comfortable with the word used in certain context, so, this [use of the phrase “thank F***”] is another one of those attempts to make the book a comfortable read for everyone.”
I am not opposed to this alternative form of spirituality. I have several friends who are members of the Church of F***. I have batted nary an eyelash as they have interjected their religious worldview into daily conversations, with exclamations of “thank F***”, “the F*** be with you”, and “F*** be praised”. In fact, one of my F***itarian friends invited me to be the godfather of her firstborn son during his F*** Mitzvah.
Finally and finalmostly, I take issue with the tacit implication that I would be opposed to the creation of a “sarcasm font”:
“I sincerely wish someone would create a sarcasm font. It would’ve came [sic] in so handy here.”
Of all the slanderous attacks launched against me, this is perhaps the most outrageous. As a matter of fact, I have been lobbying the creators of Microsoft Word for several years to develop a Sarcasm Font. I was one of the original authors of the international petition requesting such a font, in order to clarify, for readers, that a particular text is to be read with a sarcastic tone. I presented our petition before a plenary session of the United Nations, and was granted a private audience with the ambassadors of Vanuatu, Botswana, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and the Solomon Islands.
I resent Ms. Snow’s claims that I am ungentlemanly, prudish, and ignorant—but I must categorically reject her ludicrous implication that I would disapprove of a Sarcasm Font. Such a font is indispensable in our day and age. After all, without a special font for such purposes, how could one possibly be able to determine when a writer is being ironic?
About the Author:
After the publication of Schmidt’s first erotica novel, “Pirates of the Danube”, bookstores across the country received bomb threats from romance novel enthusiasts. On the recommendation of the Federal Witness Protection Agency and his tax attorney, Schmidt moved to New Caledonia, where he purchased a small plankton farm. Schmidt soon received a Pell Grant from the Royal Government of New Caledonia to conduct research on the cultural idiosyncrasies of Old Caledonia. Following a circuitous trip across Southeast Asia and the Pacific, he eventually arrived at the conclusion that there is, in fact, no such thing as Old Caledonia.
Upon returning to the United States, Schmidt was elected to the San Diego City Council. During his single term in office, he lobbied extensively for punctuation reform, pushing to have the period officially replaced with the obsolete, whimsical punctuation mark of the “fleur-de-lis”.
David J. Schmidt is the author of a recently released screenplay based on the life of Anne Frank, starring Larry the Cable Guy. The film “Here Come the Nazis—Where’s My Beer?” has yet to be picked up by any major Hollywood studio.
His novel, Pirates of the Danube, can be found by following this link.
You can learn more about the David at his website.